
image taken in Tanzania, by Brax Cutchin
I got an email last night from a reader, Jessi, asking me a list of questions. I love questions. I do. Thought I'd share, and maybe in return you can all share with me. Perhaps?
If you read this blog you know a lot of this already, so i'll start by apologizing for not coming up with too many unknowns, as Jessi had requested.
I live for love. I've been heartbroken in a way I don't think many people ever experience. This made me feel lonely. Scared. Which is partly the reason I started my heartbeat blog and definitely the reason I became obsessed with photographing hearts all over the world. The war was the first topic on the news every day, my heart was aching to the point where I was losing weight and unable to sleep night after night. I lost part of my self. The greatest part of me. The love. I was walking with my best friend, Alan and noticed a wall that said "love love love" in gold script. It made me happy. It felt new. It felt hopeful. I decided right then and there that I needed to concentrate on love. Let go of the past. Let go of the sadness. Let go of my mistakes and live for the day. For the moment. That moment. And the moments ahead of me. I started opening my eyes to the world, I got out of autopilot and into super duper inspector mode. I started seeing cracks and branches and handwritten declarations of love. I started smiling more. I started noticing more. I had something to live for. Something to walk towards. It was, or rather is, a love story indeed.
I'd be lying if I said it was something that happened quickly. It wasn't. Years, years went by, and pain could be ignited at any moment, flickering at first and suddenly BOOM! a fire so devastating, i'd be left dealing with it for days.
Heartbreak is a lot of things at once. Life-altering. Soothing. Outrageously painful. Comfortable. Confusing. Regretful. I constantly felt out of control and tried gripping on to people and things hoping to feel new. As if ignoring it, the pain would go away. Being surrounded by those who didn't know about it would make it so it didn't really exist. It burned holes in my stomach. I lost my faith.
It was worse than death. Death is final. You can somehow come to peace with it. But heartbreak wasn't. There was a glimmer of hope, never full closure. Always something...
But then you meet someone and they show you how you are totally capable of loving again. You can do it. And you do. Perhaps it's not even a person. Maybe it's an animal. For me it was a whole country, a sea of people. Tanzania. The children. The mamas. The fellow volunteers by my side. They silently, unknowingly chanted the words of encouragement I needed. You can do it. You can do it. And I did. I loved. I loved like never before. With an open heart. I opened my heart. A broken, open heart so wise that only other broken hearted souls ever fully understood it.
I sang and laughed and danced and prayed. I cried. I loved. And I laughed some more.
Years later I take myself to that place. And what I wish for the world around me, for my child to learn and love, is that when shit knocks you down, stay down for as long as you need. But allow yourself to be helped up. Take that hand.
And always laugh. scream into a pillow if you need to. punch the wall. buy yourself a new shirt or heels or giant ice cream cone. You deserve it. Buy one for a stranger and smile at them. Pet a dog that isn't the cutest one of the bunch. put your arm around your friend and tell them they look great. tell them you love them. tell them you appreciate them. take scissors and cut a love letter into shreds and only keep the one word that really matters. chop veggies til your anger is gone. read stupid jokes until one really makes you crack up. stare in the mirror until you know who you truly are. Look into someones eyes til you see their soul. it's not impossible. find someone and look. let them in. tell them off. tell them you're sorry. mean it. gain weight and love it. lose weight and be proud. read something that brings you joy. write something that will help others. believe. deeply believe. believe in truth. don't deny the world of your goodness. whatever it may be. but we all have goodness, so share it. and sing. sing your favorite song and dance ass naked. get naked and love it. love love love.
please.