image from here
I used to write little stories along the inside spines of my notebooks. The handwriting so small it was barely legible, black ink, straight lines. I'd name my characters after friends I wish I had, always girls. Britney, I always wanted a friend named Britney. She would be blonde and smile a lot. Penelope, Esther, Bea. These gals got me and inspired me with their knowledge of music, passion for sports and how they'd make clothes out of rags. Oh how I loved these entirely fictional characters of my mind.
The reality of it was I grew up as a guys girl. I felt more comfortable with dudes around me, felt that they understood the workings of my brain. The boys around me, my brother T and his best friends - Drew, Rich, Rob - they'd teach me to play Smoke On The Water on the guitar, they'd wrestle me, race me, tie me & slap me with my own hands, I'd steal their jeans to make jean shorts, sweatshirts into crop tops, jackets into vests.
Developing real girl friendships was like having a mistress. It occupied my mind all the time. I tried to navigate it secretly, my mind always scheming. I'd sit in class or in bed, hearing nothing, just thinking of girls and how much fun we'd have, doing girl stuff.
But I don't like girls stuff. I never liked girl stuff. I was never a fan of choreographed dances and singing, I never liked someone braiding my hair or even shopping with other people. So what was I after?
I was after someone who understood me. Guys, especially boys, they don't get girls. They function at a different level and for the longest time I did too. I functioned, like a man. Until I had my heart broken, like a girl. Until I found friendships with these fierce ladies who had been there, and even if they hadn't, they understood the pain and picked up the phone when I called on a summer night, sobbing. Until I met Chrissy, until I met Melissa, until I walked miles in Tanzania with Ellie, until I got letters from Jenny & Ellen daily, until Kelly, Lobo, Tara made me laugh in the darkness, until I understood loyalty from jenna, michelle, ashley, jacqui, until I hit the age where I realized my mom held all the wisdom of the world...I didn't understand until all that, how girls are everything. The power, the kindness, the goodness in being able to do three thousand things at once while always knowing that life fucking sucks sometimes but we are in it together.
I want to thank all my girls, the ones close to me now, the ones I no longer see, the ones who hurt me, the ones I hurt, the ones who check this blog and write me emails to tell me they appreciate it, to the ones who read and feel less alone. Ladies, thank you all.